Quantity and Quality

Now that it's been over a month since we said goodbye to the 4 year old, we've turned our full attention to the older two kids. Brother and sister, they are bright, chatty, and charming kids full of love and light like kids should be.

When they joined our home, the little one was the little queen of the house. She required so much attention and would take it from anyone that walked in the door like little girls sometimes can do.

Now that she's gone, I am seeing some interesting changes to the dynamics of the house. For one, now that Rob and I have more time to focus on the brother and sister.

Observation 1: Now that school is in full swing, we've had to take the kids away from the TV and endless video games that they've been used to. Talk about withdrawal symptoms! They come whining into the room saying they dont know what to do and they're bored. Libraries are our friends kids! We go and take books out and they seem to be coming around in that respect.

Observation 2: While they're such obedient and respetful kids, especially in school and compared to other kids, they're not such great students. Their study habits give us pause and even more challenging is that when they're wrong with their work they dont take correction well. They pout and say they know they're right and of course at the end of a long day it's really the last thing a parent wants to have to deal with but deal with it we must!

Observation 3: Now that it's just the two of them they have turned their full attention on each other which means endless chatter and not being able to focus on _anything else_ whether it's the food in front of them, their homework, or getting dressed for school!

To deal with this we've taken to separating them for homework time, and getting them to eat separately if/when they decide that they want to re-enact the View at the dinner table. I think this is a good approach because there are benefits to having some time along and quiet time without someone else on top of you all the time.

I guess this is a long post to reiterate that each and every addition to a household is going to affect all members in different ways. Makes sense doesn't it?

Birth order and dependence

Now that we've got just two {!} foster kids that are a little older, I'm beginning to notice a pattern. I'm sure this is not limited to kids in foster care but I think the family situation that gets kids into foster care makes it much more acute.

The pattern has to do with dependence. By this I mean, when the older child takes the role of the 'parent' and does things that parents should do but dont. Things like watching the kids, tucking them in at night, tying their laces, speaking on their behalf etc. etc.

As a foster parent, maybe I'm a little more tuned into these things because I am looking for ways to step in and take the role but if one child is already doing it for a sibling then there are a few ways to go about it.

We could:

-Allow the child to continue in the quasi parenting role

-Nip it in the bud and demand that it stop immediately

-Slowly wean the children away from this pattern and explain why it's not helpful


For whatever reason, we chose to go with the last approach. This is one of those things that at first blush doesn't seem so serious but when you find out more and more, it seems a little more serious than just a cute behavior.

As an example, the younger child who is 8 years old cannot tie his shoe laces. I just found this out today when I asked why the older child was in his room helping him get dressed for school. She explained that the younger child doesn't know how to tie his laces. Well....he's not going to learn if you tie them every day!

Of course the oldest child was only trying to be helpful but in the absence of parental attention, this seemingly innocuous behavior takes on a level of importance that really creates dependence in all concerned.

What I mean by that is the parents probably are OK with letting the child do this because it's easier, the older child likes doing it because it makes him/her feel important, and the younger child lets it happen because it is attention that is probably not coming from the parents.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you see how this could be a pattern that needs correction or do you think this is a live and let live type of thing?

So Rob took the afternoon from work to go to the court hearing for the 4 year old. He got to speak his peace although I was very annoyed to find out that the letter to the Judge I sent via certified mail never got there!

Not that it would have made a difference. The 4 year old is going back to her bio family and the silver lining in all of this is that the judge had ordered us to stay involved. The family has said that is what they wanted so we will see how it plays out. This surprised me as I didn't think things like that could be ordered but the judge said it and so it shall be.

I am guessing that we'll be allowed to take her to the country a few times a year which will be a nice way to stay involved. We are trying to look at this as a win win though it will be hard to say goodbye to a little one that has been with us for more than a year.

She leaves tomorrow.

Saying goodbye to a foster child is never easy

We got some bad news a few weeks ago. It seems that after more than a year, our first foster child will be going home. This is an especially hard situation for us to accept because the state workers had put the possibility of adoption into our heads. Talk about building up our hopes to cut them down.

We'll miss the little treasure. She is a joyous little girl that makes everyone around her smile...when she's being good. :-)

The court date where the final decision is made will be on the 25th. I've written a letter to the judge with my opinion since I'll be working but Rob is planning on taking the day off to speak his peace.

Saying goodbye to a foster child is never easy. I just wish it hadn't been made easier by the mention of a possible adoption in this case.

Lesson learned: take EVERYTHING a case worker says with a grain of salt. The only words that matter are the ones that pass from a judges lips.

The children speak...

As it happens, things are moving towards all three children being returned to their families sometime during the summer. As Rob and I prepared ourselves for this eventuality we got some surprising news.

The case worker for the two older ones had let us know that in her interviews with the kids, they had both expressed an interest in not moving to their parents choice of caregiver, a family friend.

In other words, instead of them moving again to a 'family friend' and changing schools and going through all of that upheaval, they chose to stay with Rob and I until their parents were ready for them.

To say we were surprised is a bit of an understatement. We didn't know it was a possibility nor did we think the kids would be cognizant enough to speak their minds on this question. Of course, there is a way to go from their lips to the judge's order but it's encouraging to know that we may not have to say goodbye too all three kids by the end of the summer.

It will be interesting to see how their parents try to influence this decision and if the kids will continue to have this opinion. After all, the younger of the two had his first time out yesterday!

:-)

Stay tuned....

birthday celebrations - inviting friends from the kids neighborhood

This past Saturday, Rob and I had a birthday celebration for the little boy in our home. During a recent case worker visit, the case worker asked if we had thought about inviting anyone from the boys home town to attend.

Well to be honest, Rob and I hadn't thought of it at all. We get conflicting messages from the foster care system about confidentiality. One supervisor had told us that they really urge privacy and prefer not to have parents who have their children taken away knowing the address of the foster parents. This seemed a clean and easy approach to take.

Now this case worker was suggesting that we invite a close family friend and the first thought I had was "...then the kids' parents will know where we live. Will that be a problem?"

Despite our trepidations, we asked the children to give their friend a call and extend an invite. They didn't commit to attending but said they would try.

Well our party started and during the festivities, a family we didn't recognize came waltzing in. The partygoers immediately got quiet as they didn't seem to be exactly like us. As an observer of social behavior, I was a bit concerned at the discomfort in the air.

Then the kids saw them and were ecstatic. Immediately they grabbed them by the hand and started introducing them around to the party goers. It was nice to see them being welcomed in a warm and familiar way.

It was also nice to see the natural diplomats among my friends making a point to engage the parents in small talk. Though we may be from different towns and lead very different lives, there are always commonalities to be found. One just has to look for them. Immediately, the shared interests were found and conversation was flowing.

After a good amount of socializing, pictures and presents, it was time for the visitors to drive 3 hours home. The goodbyes were heartfelt and it made me realize that the case worker was right. It was a good idea to invite these people as it made the birthday party all the more special for these kids.

annual licensing violation!

well time flies. rob and i had to be at home during the day along with all of the kids for the annual NJ licensing inspection. The inspector did a thorough walk through of the house and questioned all of the children separately.

The checklist for inspection had over 150 points. We had one violation.

The violation?

I neglected to make copies of the kids medical visit forms. I just passed them off to the case worker. Now I know, I need to have a copy for my own records.

Lesson learned. I just faxed over 20 pages of medical documents to the inspector. I hope she is satisfied!

:-)