Well a lot has happened since the last post in 2010.  In the meantime, one relationship ended and a new relationship started.  We're now engaged and planning a wedding.

A short stint with a young foster child of 2 years of age and a longer stint with a deaf foster child of 15 years of age.  The biggest news is that my fiancé and I adopted a baby a year ago.

Our baby will be 2 in August and parenthood with a newborn is an experience like no other!

I'm not sure if I will come back to this blog as the topic of gay adoption and fostering has been covered by so many.  If you would like me to post here, let me know by posting a comment.

Re-opening wounds

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. A lot has changed in the meantime.

Rob and I are no longer together. People have asked whether having foster kids strained the relationship and my answer is always no. The kids we were fortunate enough to have were jewels that we both loved being foster parents to.

As noted previously, all of the foster kids have gone home. So the house is quiet. It's quite an adjustment but it is what it is.

One thing that continues to bother me as I move forward is that despite telling all insurance companies that the kids have gone home I continue to get mailings every month about the kids that are no longer here!

Talk about re-opening wounds. Just when you feel like you've gotten over the heartache of missing the kids, another letter arrives to remind you.

Not cool. Not cool at all. One of the unexpected and unpleasant realities of being a foster parent.

:-(

Out of the mouths of babes!

So Rob and I got invited to attend the pre-school graduation of our first foster child. She's been back home with her biological family for quite a while so it was a pleasant surprise to hear from the family.

I'll be honest, in that I had some concerns about us attending the small town ceremony in rural NJ. I was hoping to just shuffle in and sit in the back and celebrate with the little one quietly and unobtrusively as is my style.

So Rob and I arrived and the little kids classroom was already packed with parents and teachers. We looked and within seconds were noticed by the little princess, who is now 4 years old.

Immediately she hollered at the top of her little but loud lungs..."MY 2 DADDIES ARE HERE!!!" She then ran up to us and gave us big hugs and grabbed both of our hands and proceeded to parade us around the room to everyone who would listen, teachers and parents of friends.

She always introduced us as 'MY TWO DADDIES' and threw in a few "I HAVE 2 DADDIES BECAUSE I"M LUCKY!!" for good measure.

It was both surprising and heart warming.

As friends have noted, the little ones don't know prejudice or bigotry, they have to learn it. This was a perfect example of how much this is true.

Saying goodbye to the foster kids and winding down....

Well it's time for another big change in our house. The time has come to say good bye to the brother and sister (ages 12 and 8 now) that we've been foster parents to for a year this month. The process to get them back home has started with weekend visits and talking through the transition with all parties.

It's not easy saying goodbye but in this case the adjustment wont be so hard for us as there was never any pretense about them being anything but foster children. They are adorable and nice kids that any parent would be proud to call their own. We'll miss them dearly.

We're also debating putting a moratorium on foster children for the short term. We want to focus on adoption and it has been our experience that being foster parents has distracted both us and the foster care system we work with from our original goal. The reality is that there are SO MANY CHILDREN that need safe places for the short term (foster care) that it is overwhelming. There is such a pressing need to put these kids out of harms way that the adoption cases seem to get less attention.

When these kids go home it will be a quiet house and for the first time in almost 2 years, it will be just Rob and me in our home. Hopefully the tactic of not being foster parents will reinvigorate our attempts to become adoptive parents.

Stay tuned!

Can simply naming your child be considered an act of abuse?

Question:
If you name your 3 children:
-Adolf Hitler Campbell
-Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell
-Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell

Can that be considered an act of abuse? Is it free speech?

Here in NJ, two parents who named their children the above and were refused a birthday cake for little Adolf at a grocery store are getting a lot of press. After the article that reported the cake refusal was published, the parents soon afterward had their three children taken away by the Division of Youth and Family Services [DYFS].

While the facts are not yet clear, some are speculating that the kids were taken away simply because of their names. As a foster parent that works daily with DYFS, I find this very hard to believe. I am sure that the same parents that would choose to name their kids in such an offensive way are not the parents of the year, by any stretch of the imagination.

Either way it is a very sad case. Could you imagine going through life being named little Adolf Hitler?
What is the point of naming your children this way?
If you have opinions of a certain way, then name _yourself_ this way but your children? I really do not get it.

Read more here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/16/adolf-hitler-campbell-mys_n_158624.html?view=print

MILK - A review

You may be wondering why a film review on a gay adoption blog?

Well, Harvey Milk's story directly impacts our ability to adopt and foster children. Were it not for Mr. Milk's tireless efforts to get some equality for gay and lesbian people back during his short political life, I truly doubt gay adoption and foster parenting would be a possibility at all.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In case you were not aware, Gus Van Sant has directed a new film based on the life of gay activist Harvey Milk. The main character is played by Sean Penn and the film traces the beginnings of gay life in the Castro area of San Francisco as well as the election of the first openly gay politician.

Sean Penn, say what you will, is an incredible actor. He plays Harvey so well and never for one moment do you remember that this is the same actor that played the surfer dude in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

As a young gay person coming of age, I heard of Mr. Milk only after he was assassinated. His murderer was a fellow politician from San Francisco who famously blamed his crime on a diet of junk food, the twinkie defense.

That's probably most of what people knew of Mr. Milk but in this movie, viewers learn just how much Harvey Milk accomplished in his short public life. Harvey didn't change into a public figure until after his 40th birthday and in the short time saved many young lives by providing support for young people contemplating suicide, encouraging gays to 'come out' of their closets, and encouraging everyone to support anti discrimination laws for gays everywhere.

The film is all about relationships and dedication. Harvey ran for office and lost multiple times but each time came closer and closer to winning. He sacrifices his own life and relationships for the ideal of actually holding public office as an openly gay man. Once he attains this milestone, he works tirelessly against the religious right and Anita Bryant who publicly demanded that gay people be fired and rejected in every way.

The film also shows Mr. Milk's tireless efforts to improve the lives of not only gays, but seniors, blacks, working people, and children in his district. Mr. Milk was a born politician, in the true sense of the word, forging alliances with unlikely partners like the teamsters union to begin the boycott of Coors beer when Coors would not allow unions. By successfully bringing gay purchasing power into the equation, Harvey was successful in getting unions into Coors and in addition getting Coors to be the first company to hire openly gay drivers.

In today's lens, such victories seem so minor but back then just being an out gay person with a job was an act of defiance.

As I watched this film and the battle against Proposition 6 that is portrayed in the film. Proposition 6 was the law that was up for vote in California that would have enabled the firing of all gays working as school employees as well as the firing of any non-gay people who supported them in any way. The film shows just how close this battle was when Anita and her religious zealots took the fight right to California after winning many state battles.

As one watches this battle for such an evil and draconian law, one cannot help but think about the recent victory by ant-gay marriage forces in California and how it must have hit residents of California who believe in fairness and equality for all.

Needless to say, this movie was deftly directed by Mr. Van Sant, expertly played by Sean Penn and cast, and is so effective in educating and inspiring you to understand just how much love and energy went into getting gay rights as a viable goal onto the world stage.

See the trailer here:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/focus_features/milk/

See the movie, you will leave the theatre changed in a good way.

Posted via web from sean808080's posterous

Dear God: Please give me...

Well it's the day after Christmas as I type this and today the kids get to go on their first weekend visit in preparation for going home. It's going to be very quiet around here without their fun loving kid energy around the house. Flexibility sure is key as a foster parent as we were being told up until 2 days ago that the visit would be postponed. It's a good thing at least one of us is flexible at all times. Although sometimes it does take some time for the other to come round.
 
I hope you had a terrific holiday! Was Santa good to you?

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from sean808080's posterous

Quantity and Quality

Now that it's been over a month since we said goodbye to the 4 year old, we've turned our full attention to the older two kids. Brother and sister, they are bright, chatty, and charming kids full of love and light like kids should be.

When they joined our home, the little one was the little queen of the house. She required so much attention and would take it from anyone that walked in the door like little girls sometimes can do.

Now that she's gone, I am seeing some interesting changes to the dynamics of the house. For one, now that Rob and I have more time to focus on the brother and sister.

Observation 1: Now that school is in full swing, we've had to take the kids away from the TV and endless video games that they've been used to. Talk about withdrawal symptoms! They come whining into the room saying they dont know what to do and they're bored. Libraries are our friends kids! We go and take books out and they seem to be coming around in that respect.

Observation 2: While they're such obedient and respetful kids, especially in school and compared to other kids, they're not such great students. Their study habits give us pause and even more challenging is that when they're wrong with their work they dont take correction well. They pout and say they know they're right and of course at the end of a long day it's really the last thing a parent wants to have to deal with but deal with it we must!

Observation 3: Now that it's just the two of them they have turned their full attention on each other which means endless chatter and not being able to focus on _anything else_ whether it's the food in front of them, their homework, or getting dressed for school!

To deal with this we've taken to separating them for homework time, and getting them to eat separately if/when they decide that they want to re-enact the View at the dinner table. I think this is a good approach because there are benefits to having some time along and quiet time without someone else on top of you all the time.

I guess this is a long post to reiterate that each and every addition to a household is going to affect all members in different ways. Makes sense doesn't it?

Birth order and dependence

Now that we've got just two {!} foster kids that are a little older, I'm beginning to notice a pattern. I'm sure this is not limited to kids in foster care but I think the family situation that gets kids into foster care makes it much more acute.

The pattern has to do with dependence. By this I mean, when the older child takes the role of the 'parent' and does things that parents should do but dont. Things like watching the kids, tucking them in at night, tying their laces, speaking on their behalf etc. etc.

As a foster parent, maybe I'm a little more tuned into these things because I am looking for ways to step in and take the role but if one child is already doing it for a sibling then there are a few ways to go about it.

We could:

-Allow the child to continue in the quasi parenting role

-Nip it in the bud and demand that it stop immediately

-Slowly wean the children away from this pattern and explain why it's not helpful


For whatever reason, we chose to go with the last approach. This is one of those things that at first blush doesn't seem so serious but when you find out more and more, it seems a little more serious than just a cute behavior.

As an example, the younger child who is 8 years old cannot tie his shoe laces. I just found this out today when I asked why the older child was in his room helping him get dressed for school. She explained that the younger child doesn't know how to tie his laces. Well....he's not going to learn if you tie them every day!

Of course the oldest child was only trying to be helpful but in the absence of parental attention, this seemingly innocuous behavior takes on a level of importance that really creates dependence in all concerned.

What I mean by that is the parents probably are OK with letting the child do this because it's easier, the older child likes doing it because it makes him/her feel important, and the younger child lets it happen because it is attention that is probably not coming from the parents.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you see how this could be a pattern that needs correction or do you think this is a live and let live type of thing?

So Rob took the afternoon from work to go to the court hearing for the 4 year old. He got to speak his peace although I was very annoyed to find out that the letter to the Judge I sent via certified mail never got there!

Not that it would have made a difference. The 4 year old is going back to her bio family and the silver lining in all of this is that the judge had ordered us to stay involved. The family has said that is what they wanted so we will see how it plays out. This surprised me as I didn't think things like that could be ordered but the judge said it and so it shall be.

I am guessing that we'll be allowed to take her to the country a few times a year which will be a nice way to stay involved. We are trying to look at this as a win win though it will be hard to say goodbye to a little one that has been with us for more than a year.

She leaves tomorrow.

Saying goodbye to a foster child is never easy

We got some bad news a few weeks ago. It seems that after more than a year, our first foster child will be going home. This is an especially hard situation for us to accept because the state workers had put the possibility of adoption into our heads. Talk about building up our hopes to cut them down.

We'll miss the little treasure. She is a joyous little girl that makes everyone around her smile...when she's being good. :-)

The court date where the final decision is made will be on the 25th. I've written a letter to the judge with my opinion since I'll be working but Rob is planning on taking the day off to speak his peace.

Saying goodbye to a foster child is never easy. I just wish it hadn't been made easier by the mention of a possible adoption in this case.

Lesson learned: take EVERYTHING a case worker says with a grain of salt. The only words that matter are the ones that pass from a judges lips.

The children speak...

As it happens, things are moving towards all three children being returned to their families sometime during the summer. As Rob and I prepared ourselves for this eventuality we got some surprising news.

The case worker for the two older ones had let us know that in her interviews with the kids, they had both expressed an interest in not moving to their parents choice of caregiver, a family friend.

In other words, instead of them moving again to a 'family friend' and changing schools and going through all of that upheaval, they chose to stay with Rob and I until their parents were ready for them.

To say we were surprised is a bit of an understatement. We didn't know it was a possibility nor did we think the kids would be cognizant enough to speak their minds on this question. Of course, there is a way to go from their lips to the judge's order but it's encouraging to know that we may not have to say goodbye too all three kids by the end of the summer.

It will be interesting to see how their parents try to influence this decision and if the kids will continue to have this opinion. After all, the younger of the two had his first time out yesterday!

:-)

Stay tuned....

birthday celebrations - inviting friends from the kids neighborhood

This past Saturday, Rob and I had a birthday celebration for the little boy in our home. During a recent case worker visit, the case worker asked if we had thought about inviting anyone from the boys home town to attend.

Well to be honest, Rob and I hadn't thought of it at all. We get conflicting messages from the foster care system about confidentiality. One supervisor had told us that they really urge privacy and prefer not to have parents who have their children taken away knowing the address of the foster parents. This seemed a clean and easy approach to take.

Now this case worker was suggesting that we invite a close family friend and the first thought I had was "...then the kids' parents will know where we live. Will that be a problem?"

Despite our trepidations, we asked the children to give their friend a call and extend an invite. They didn't commit to attending but said they would try.

Well our party started and during the festivities, a family we didn't recognize came waltzing in. The partygoers immediately got quiet as they didn't seem to be exactly like us. As an observer of social behavior, I was a bit concerned at the discomfort in the air.

Then the kids saw them and were ecstatic. Immediately they grabbed them by the hand and started introducing them around to the party goers. It was nice to see them being welcomed in a warm and familiar way.

It was also nice to see the natural diplomats among my friends making a point to engage the parents in small talk. Though we may be from different towns and lead very different lives, there are always commonalities to be found. One just has to look for them. Immediately, the shared interests were found and conversation was flowing.

After a good amount of socializing, pictures and presents, it was time for the visitors to drive 3 hours home. The goodbyes were heartfelt and it made me realize that the case worker was right. It was a good idea to invite these people as it made the birthday party all the more special for these kids.

annual licensing violation!

well time flies. rob and i had to be at home during the day along with all of the kids for the annual NJ licensing inspection. The inspector did a thorough walk through of the house and questioned all of the children separately.

The checklist for inspection had over 150 points. We had one violation.

The violation?

I neglected to make copies of the kids medical visit forms. I just passed them off to the case worker. Now I know, I need to have a copy for my own records.

Lesson learned. I just faxed over 20 pages of medical documents to the inspector. I hope she is satisfied!

:-)

why being a foster parent isn't easy

so we've had our 4 year old foster child for one year this month.

when the state called a year ago to do the placement, rob and i were only interested in adopting but we thought taking a foster child in would be a good test run to make sure we could handle the responsibility that goes with having a child.

when the call came, they said this 3 year old only needs a place for the weekend.

the weekend turned into 2 weeks.

that turned into 2 months.

it's now been a year. in that time there's been all sorts of things have been started then back tracked. in addition, a change in a parents address means a whole new county has jurisdiction.  the 4 year old is now on her 4th case worker in 1 year.  that's 4 people who have been brought up to speed with the backstory.  4 people to work with in getting her what she needs.

a text book case of what makes being a foster parent not so easy.

i look at it like this: the foster parent/s [along with the child] are the lowest rung on the totem pole. on the top, in terms of 'power' [information & influence] are the parent/s who have had their children taken away. everything that happens is a function of what they do and don't do. if the parent/s clean up their act, the kids will likely be returned.

after the parents, the judge hearing the case has the power to decide what happens and when.  there are some laws that guide the timeline but generally the judge is the decisionmaker.

after the judge, the case worker has information and can make recommendations on how to proceed.

after the case worker, comes the foster parents, and last but not least, the child.

it's difficult to make plans and think about the future when you have no idea how things will play out and when. we've not had to experience a child being returned home and the expected heartbreak but we're readying ourselves. it won't be easy and unfortunately, the 'system' seems to be built to make the process as difficult as possible on the foster parents. by this i mean the foster parents are given so little influence and are totally at the whim of everyone else higher up on the food chain.

how do i get through it? by reminding myself it's not about me, it's about the kids.

material madness

ok, now that yet another visit has completed and the kids have arrived at home, i've come to a realization. parents who have children in custody of others typically over-compensate in a few common ways.

the biggest is materialism.

the kids came home today with bags and bags of new clothes, shoes, and underthings. it's a simple mistake to make isn't it? parents think they must not be good parents because their clothes aren't as sharp as the other kids and their bedroom furniture was a little shabby.

in addition to the bags of clothing, the kids came home with pictures of their redecorated house. all the rooms were redone, furniture was replaced, and of course a new flat screen tv is now in the living room.



you may be thinking, what's wrong with that? the parents are just trying to do what they can? well, there are two things that i'm thinking.

1. the state already covers the cost of clothing for the kids. the kids already have drawers full of clothing and new shoes thanks to uncle sam. that's you and me, of course. the parents could have saved that money and spent it on other things.

2. the debt that the parents probably incurred trying to make up for their shortcomings with material things is going to weigh heavy if & when the kids return to the home.

the stressors and temptations that caused the kids to be removed are not magically erased. these will remain causing an ever present issue that can rear it's ugly head. except now this 'demon' is energized by an additional burden of increased financial pressures.

i've seen it repeat itself and i'm a relatively new foster parent. i'm sure this record gets played over and over again. i wish that parents would get counselled in these things.

this context is parents who find themselves in foster care system, but i'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that excessive materialism to make up for parental shortcomings is a problem that is more pervasive than that.

would you agree?

Happy Father' Day!

our first family planning meeting - observations

i wanted to capture my thoughts both going into and leaving our first family planning meeting. a family planning meeting is where all parties involved get together to discuss case goals and make sure that everyone is moving in the same direction.


here's my post from before the meeting:

and here's my post following the meeting:

using seesmic to post video has been very beneficial for a variety of reasons. here's someone new to us posting some encouraging words.

Child placement review board meeting - Post

Child Placement Review Board Meeting - Pre