material madness
ok, now that yet another visit has completed and the kids have arrived at home, i've come to a realization. parents who have children in custody of others typically over-compensate in a few common ways.
the biggest is materialism.
the kids came home today with bags and bags of new clothes, shoes, and underthings. it's a simple mistake to make isn't it? parents think they must not be good parents because their clothes aren't as sharp as the other kids and their bedroom furniture was a little shabby.
in addition to the bags of clothing, the kids came home with pictures of their redecorated house. all the rooms were redone, furniture was replaced, and of course a new flat screen tv is now in the living room.
you may be thinking, what's wrong with that? the parents are just trying to do what they can? well, there are two things that i'm thinking.
1. the state already covers the cost of clothing for the kids. the kids already have drawers full of clothing and new shoes thanks to uncle sam. that's you and me, of course. the parents could have saved that money and spent it on other things.
2. the debt that the parents probably incurred trying to make up for their shortcomings with material things is going to weigh heavy if & when the kids return to the home.
the stressors and temptations that caused the kids to be removed are not magically erased. these will remain causing an ever present issue that can rear it's ugly head. except now this 'demon' is energized by an additional burden of increased financial pressures.
i've seen it repeat itself and i'm a relatively new foster parent. i'm sure this record gets played over and over again. i wish that parents would get counselled in these things.
this context is parents who find themselves in foster care system, but i'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that excessive materialism to make up for parental shortcomings is a problem that is more pervasive than that.
would you agree?
the biggest is materialism.
the kids came home today with bags and bags of new clothes, shoes, and underthings. it's a simple mistake to make isn't it? parents think they must not be good parents because their clothes aren't as sharp as the other kids and their bedroom furniture was a little shabby.
in addition to the bags of clothing, the kids came home with pictures of their redecorated house. all the rooms were redone, furniture was replaced, and of course a new flat screen tv is now in the living room.
you may be thinking, what's wrong with that? the parents are just trying to do what they can? well, there are two things that i'm thinking.
1. the state already covers the cost of clothing for the kids. the kids already have drawers full of clothing and new shoes thanks to uncle sam. that's you and me, of course. the parents could have saved that money and spent it on other things.
2. the debt that the parents probably incurred trying to make up for their shortcomings with material things is going to weigh heavy if & when the kids return to the home.
the stressors and temptations that caused the kids to be removed are not magically erased. these will remain causing an ever present issue that can rear it's ugly head. except now this 'demon' is energized by an additional burden of increased financial pressures.
i've seen it repeat itself and i'm a relatively new foster parent. i'm sure this record gets played over and over again. i wish that parents would get counselled in these things.
this context is parents who find themselves in foster care system, but i'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that excessive materialism to make up for parental shortcomings is a problem that is more pervasive than that.
would you agree?
2 comments:
Wow--this is an interesting observation, and interesting that you've seen a pattern so soon. I'm surprised they aren't sent home with food, also.
I think it comes from the most recent generation(s) being relatively subject to plentiful things, and wishes granted immediately. This is partly due to the lack of an economic collapse in recent memory (such as the Great Depression), and that any collapses of similar significance (gas prices, inflation, mortgage crises) have been airbrushed away thanks to credit cards. This definitely is common outside of foster care--what kid doesn't have a video game system (or several) and doesn't that prove they are loved?
It's too bad that parents don't realize that all the material needs ARE being met and it's the emotional/relationship/etc. needs that are the ones that need a boost. Maybe it's just too difficult to come up with a photograph illustrating a home from which dangers and neglect have been purged.
The flip side may be that going shopping together may be a way for the parents/kids to bond in both directions, in doing "typical" things. The problem is that there may be other joint activities that are more important--but that families (in general) don't recognize them.
I wonder, for example, if on visits, assuming visits are long enough to allow either to occur, whether parents tend to take kids out to eat--or work together to prepare a home-cooked meal?
Chuck E. Cheese vs. home-made pizza?
Best wishes to you and keep up the good work!
As a parent whose children were in foster care for a year, maybe I can give you a different perspective.
First of all, we were very aware of how socio-economic status affects the way parents are treated by DHS. I did my homework, and found studies like the one that studied ER visits for suspicious injuries in children, and found that the parents' income had a closer correlation with the decision to remove than the severity of the injury.
That bias is placed on top of the innate difficulties associated with raising children in poverty, like living in a small, shabby apartment with hard-water stains, worn-out carpet and chipping paint. Being poor also means living in close proximity to total strangers who hear an argument or a crying baby, assume that there is domestic abuse or child abuse, and call the police, who then want to take a good look around and see that your home is messy and run-down.
So, by the time kids end up in foster care, parents have gotten the idea that being poor is equivalent to being a child abuser.
Obviously, in order to show that they aren't abusing their child, they need to spend money on the child.
Of course, it doesn't do anything in the long run to help avoid ending up in the same situation again. The parents aren't thinking that far ahead. They're focused on getting their kids back, and then trying to avoid ever having DHS notice their existence again.
Long-term economic planning is a bit farther up Maslov's Hierachy of Needs.
DHS doesn't really seem all that concerned with the real long-term important stuff either- I've been more concerned about my husband getting more schooling so he can get a good job eventually, while DHS has consistantly been fixated on keeping the house clean enough for a surprise visit from Martha Stewart 24/7.
I don't know what your children's parents were accused of, but I do know that when it seems that the system doesn't care about love, the obvious way to fight is to show you have what they do care about-money.
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